I dunno what to make of this. I expect I could write a whole book deconstructing it, the rights and the wrongs of it, and in the end, still not be any closer to understanding if it was the letter that saved me or doomed me. One way or another, though, it sealed my fate.

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” —Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus logigo-philosphicus, 1922

                                           October 14, 1999

                                           Johanna Wilder
                                           1217 SW 11th #305
                                           Portland OR 97205
Thomas Scoville
AMCore
Attn: Investment group
Post Office Box 1537
Rockford, Illinois 61110
Mr. Scoville,
Recently, you spoke with Linda Engel, my mother, on the phone, and discussed using the Eddy family trust fund to help me gain independence in my life. I am writing at your request to discuss some options that would lead to forward progress and ultimately lead to independence.
I will try to be succinct and not take up too much of your time.
Here is some background information that might be helpful to you. My birth name was Jonathan Hart Eddy, Jr. I was diagnosed as transsexual by a therapist in late 1994, which was then confirmed by a medical doctor. Soon thereafter I legally changed my name to Johanna Wilder and converted legal documents such as my drivers license and Social Security to reflect the new name and which now state my gender/sex as female. This continues to feel like a good direction for me.
During the last four years, I have held several different jobs, some not of my choice, but instead, because it was important for me to be employed and self-sufficient. The jobs did offer that, even if they didn't offer status or look particularly good on a resume.
The most recent full-time job ended when I was laid off during a corporate restructuring and downsizing. From there, I began working on a freelance or independent contractor basis for various clients. Last year I made some poor business decisions which left me in Portland Oregon with no savings and a shrinking client-list.
Since then, I have made many attempts at finding a full-time or part-time job. During the last nine months, I have been sending out many resumes, some of which resulted in interviews, but I have been unable to acquire employment, even though many of the jobs I was more than qualified for. This continues to be an incredibly frustrating experience.
No less frustrating is that I am not only trying to earn money to make a living and carry on a normal life, but I am also paying for the continuing costs of the sex reassignment process, while attempting to save money for the surgical procedure which I have already been approved for, but have yet to save enough money to afford. There is no insurance coverage available for this (not that I even have health insurance) yet it has profound effects on my ability to carry on as a secure, productive person.
I am creative, intelligent, resourceful, and hard-working and have proved this on multiple occasions. I have held pivotal roles in partnerships, helping to form two privately held corporations that still exist today (though, sadly, I no longer own stock in them). I am just terribly stuck right now, perhaps in over my head, and really need help.
Linda mentioned the possibility of the trust helping me to get back on my feet. She also mentioned that it is in everyone's best interest that the trust pay out as little as possible. I will try to explain what I see to be my options and then with that knowledge, we can hopefully make an informed decision about where to go from here.
There are several health-related and financial benefits to staying in Portland. The surgeon who will ultimately perform sex-reassignment surgery on me has his office in Portland. Portland has a very low cost-of-living, which has allowed me to get by as long as I have on as little as I have. I have some contacts here that could possibly provide inroads toward long-term income. I do not want to make my home in Portland forever, but at this point in my life, these are compelling reasons to stay for the time being, until I can make or capitalize upon opportunities elsewhere.
Leaving Portland would cost money: moving my possessions and making a security deposit on an apartment. I would also lose out on the contacts I have made here.
Moving back to Seattle is one of the possible options for re-invigoration I have pondered. I have several friends who live there, though they have so far not been able to provide opportunities for employment. (If they had, I would have moved back to Seattle already.) It is likely there are more employment opportunities there than there are in Portland, as the Seattle-area is experiencing faster growth than Portland is. But it is certainly not a "sure thing". Thus, moving to Seattle appears to me to be on the surface a desperate attempt to make change for the sake of change without compelling hope for opportunity.
My personal feelings on what would be the best course of action are, that I stay in Portland and ramp up my ability to carry on business as a sole-proprietor performing consultation, web and print design services, with a storefront on the Internet, and that I continue to focus on receiving sex-reassignment surgery (SRS) at the soonest possible date. This plan serves two goals: financial and physical independence. It offers freedom of movement, forward progress, and flexibility in future plans.
Why is SRS important? Though Transsexualism is defined by the medical community as a valid disability, it was explicitly exempted from the Americans with Disabilities Act by individuals who considered it distasteful and not worthy of protection. While I can fully respect their right to their beliefs, this puts me personally in a difficult position of being disabled, but left on my own to compensate for the disability which has been shown to have a direct effect on how I am perceived within society. I have struggled and given my very best effort, having spent a vast amount of my own personal income, and have made great progress. But, as they say, close only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades.
It was my intention from the time I first became aware of my disability to not burden the family with it. I made every attempt to self-fund the process, and have spent well over $15,000 of my own hard-earned money toward that end in the preceding five years (this is why I no longer own stock in the corporations I mentioned). I am at the point where I can no longer "pay as I go" but must come up with a large amount of money in one lump sum to pay the surgeon and the hospital for the final surgery. This last part which to my best estimates would cost approximately $15,000 has proved to be most difficult for me. It also requires recovery time (which I estimate to be about one month), during which I would be unable to work.
Were an uncovered medical condition to effect any other member of the family, I would advocate for every attempt to provide help. It is difficult for me to ask this of the family, and to that end, I have tried to pay for this myself. However, it is becoming clear that a timely resolution (it has already been more than five years of active work towards this goal) is not forthcoming and I find myself willing to ask for and receive help, knowing that I have worked hard to bring myself to a point where well-defined, non-recurring, and life-enhancing action can be taken.
The benefits of completing this milestone in my life are numerous; from enhanced self-esteem (no small thing!) to a freedom of movement and association without fear which I currently do not enjoy. I can provide a breakdown of the exact numbers if you are interested in pursuing this further. After that, there are still recurring costs of care and maintenance, but those I fully expect to support on my own. With the most difficult part behind me, it can be expected that I would have little to no problem meeting these needs.
My budget is currently $450/month for an apartment, $100/month for utilities, $100/month for medical needs, and $250/month for food and other items (soap, etc.). At $1,000 a month, I would have enough extra to handle small unforseen emergencies, or a little extra for entertainment.
Were the trust able to provide a small seed with which to set up and maintain a virtual storefront for my services, coupled with my proven abilities to manage and grow a business, this budget for personal survival can be met on a recurring monthly basis. It is my belief that I can eventually exceed these needs and provide for a higher standard of living for myself.
Why wasn't I doing this all along? This was one of my mistakes. I was operating without a virtual storefront, and when I physically moved to Portland, I left my clients physically in Seattle, and found myself unprepared and unable to service them. The other mistake was that I shifted focus from my clients to forming another business with a partner who lost interest in the project. In the resulting chaos, I then attempted to find security in a full-time job in a market that is becoming increasingly reliant on part-time and contract service providers.
My plan to remedy these mistakes is threefold. Create an online presence for my self and my services that is directly accessible to potential clients and that acts as a resource for retaining clients. Rebuild and present a portfolio of past and present services provided. Actively seek out new clients and bring them into the influence of this online presence while providing them with a valuable service.
One other item that my mother Linda mentioned was the trust providing funding for schooling. I am fully open to this possibility, however, entering school puts me in the difficult position of having to produce a birth certificate and high-school diploma and records which contain a different name and gender than I currently present to the world. This puts me at a disadvantage, and could possibly put me in danger. This has lead to my recent resistance to receiving extended education until I have finished SRS, which is required in order to obtain an amended birth certificate.
One option that looks particularly appealing to me is taking night schooling classes to receive a Multimedia Certificate or a Web Site Developer's Certificate though a local university (yet another reason to stay here in Portland, where I live but a few blocks away from a university with an excellent extended education program). These program costs approximately $3,000 to $4000 each, which to me seems ridiculously expensive for something I am already skilled in, though I am told (and am beginning to agree) that having accredited certification is immensely useful.
Well, that's my story. I consider this just a listing of what I believe, after thorough examination, to be my needs and the most realistic and efficient approaches to meeting them. I have made my best effort to meet them, and only come to the family on the cusp of honorable failure and possible success, seeking partnership in what I hope will be eventual success that can be enjoyed by all. I have made every attempt to not include frivolous wants and wishes (though I have plenty, they are totally my responsibility to fund, I don't expect anyone else to fund them for me). Though, I'm sure in its condensed version it doesn't paint the full picture, I hope it gives you enough insight to provide questions that I can then clarify for you.
I eagerly look forward to hearing your thoughts and observations.
Sincerely,
Johanna Wilder
Phone: 503-295-4093
Email: hanna@drizzle.com

"We don’t play to win. We play to keep playing."

And apparently a springboard into an alignment conversation, because what isn't? https://chatgpt.com/share/67cd23f0-57fc-8013-ba37-44602c266350